The Ones Who Are Worth It

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.  You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

     There's just no way around it.  People are imperfect.  Shocker, right?  As much as people can add to, and enrich our lives, in the way of love, companionship, conversation, support, the sharing of mutual interests, and dozens of other ways, they are bound to disappoint us at times.  Nothing new.  Yet, it seems as if we sometimes forget this very obvious and basic truth?  Why?  Well, while some of the specific reasons can vary case by case, and be numerous and individual, the most common one is because we allow ourselves to forget.  We simply allow ourselves to forget that these very same beings, who can be such a source of pleasure for us, can also be a source of disappointment, frustration, and hurt.

     And in part, it's our own perfection that allows us to forget.  And this is most true when it concerns our loved ones, who include our friends, family members, and lovers.  They have the power to hurt us most, and sometimes do, simply because they can.  Not in the sense that they say, "I'm going to hurt you because I can." (Although that sometimes can happen, and that's obviously a more involved issue)  They do it because we give them the power that allows them to.  They have that power because of the nature of our relationship with them, and because of the value that they represent to us.  This makes us more vulnerable.  An insult hurled at us from a drunken person off the street is usually going to have less impact on us than the same insult hurled at us from someone who's close to us (Unless of course, they happen to be one and the same person) . Knocking over a bottle of Pepsi in our kitchen is going to cause much less of a reaction in us than knocking over a $500 of champagne in that same kitchen.  And if you have a $500 bottle of champagne in your kitchen, then you and I need to discuss having dinner at your house sometime.

     And we can also allow them to hurt us by simply being unrealistic.  Just because we might care for, respect, and love these people more than we do most others, it doesn't make them any less imperfect or fallible.  Oh, sure, we'd love it if they were.  Now that would certainly make things easier on us wouldn't it? Ah... If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full...

     But their imperfection actions don't mean that they love, respect, or regard us any less.  Sometimes they just can't help themselves.  And we have no control over that.  However, what we can have control over is our perspective.  We should remember that people are imperfect and that often they don't understand the impact that their words and actions have on us. (Unless we let them know.  As highly as we think of those close to us, it's asking too much to expect them to be mind readers.) This can help lessen the likelihood or severity of us getting hurt.  And sometimes, people just don't communicate well or accurately with their words or actions.  We often have to look beyond the surface of things, determining what their motivations might be, or if their might be extenuating circumstances.  Sometimes a complaint about whether or not you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom, roll the toilet paper underhand or overhand, or about how you're ALWAYS late, or any number of other things, is really a mixed-up way of expressing frustration over something else that is infinitely more important to them.

     And we also have to allow for the fact, that many people simply have little or no interest in how WE think they should act,think, or be.  That was a hard for for me to learn too.  People have to decide for themselves who they're going to be.  Good or bad, whether we like it or we don't, in the end, the decision is theirs alone.  There's no guarantee that we can change them anyway, and it's more likely that all we'll get for our trouble is frustration, resentment, and hurt.  Trying to fit people into a mold of what we want them to be, is going to be like trying to fit a 400 lb. man into a 32 waist pair of jeans. Its going to be futile, ugly, and there's likely to be lots of cursing.  In the end, we learn to accept a person for who he or she basically is, both good and bad, or we don't.

     Of course, another alternative would be to just say "The hell with it!"  Then we can just detach ourselves from caring and feeling for others, and spin ourselves a little protective cocoon, sheltering ourselves from any potential disappointment and hurt.  But when we shelter or close ourselves off from the potential hurt that goes along with caring for and getting close to people, we also shelter ourselves and close ourselves off from the potential pleasure that goes along with taking such a risk. And that really what it's all about isn't it?  Weights and balances, pros v.s. cons, costs v.s. benefits... And perhaps the most fundamental question is:  "Is my life better with or without this person in my life?"  That's an individual decision, something that in the end is ours and ours alone.  For we are the ones who primarily have to live with the consequences of our decisions, whether they be good or bad.  The fact of the matter is that we were just not meant to be alone.  It's not in our makeup.  Maybe some of us feel the need for more or less people in our lives than do others, but we all need them to one extent or another.  And for all the potential headaches and heartaches that go along with having people in our lives, there can be lots of wonderful benefits that people can deliver into our lives.  As as mentioned, there are things that we can do to make that delivery go a little smoother.  There are some amazing people in this world.  I know, because I've come across them, and that may include you.  And the fact that they're out there, living among the less than amazing, is why we're having this little chat.  We just have to choose the ones who are worth it.