The Scent of a Woman

     Men and Women...Boys and Girls...The battle of the sexes...The birds and the bees.  Sometimes it's very hard to imagine, how men spend so much of their time and energy, in doing things to attract women.  I mean practically everything that we do either obviously, or unconsciously, done with the aim of attracting women.  How we dress (well, some of us), what we drive, the words that we say, when we exercise to build our bodies, how much money we strive to earn, are done either solely, primarily, or partly with the aim of impressing and attracting women.  I'm sure that some women would contend that the behavior of many men seems as if they're determined to repel women, but the fact of the matter is, they still find a way of making their way around to each other, regardless of how exasperated some women seem to be with men.  "You can't live with them, and you can't live without them" seems to work both ways.

     And when I say that it's hard to imagine why men do so much to attract women, I don't mean that women aren't worth it.  I'd venture to say that there's some that are worth all that you can think of doing for them, and then some.  A few in fact, are worth you getting the greatest minds on the planet together in the same room, plus George Clooney and Sean Connery, and pulling an all-nighter brainstorming, to come up with more ideas on how to treat them as they deserve to be treated, and what we can do to win their attention and hearts.

     What I mean is, if we look back at how males interact with girls during their early youth, it's no wonder that accusing an 8 year old boy of having a girlfriend is likely to have you wind up with a bag of flaming crap on your doorstep.  And yet that same reaction would seem rather odd coming from a 30 year old straight male.  I mean, who could imagine that the 8 year old boy who puts lizards on the backs of girls, or place gum in her hair, and who pushes her down after belittling her, would grow up to pursue them with such fervor?  Unfortunately, there are the Chris Browns of the world, and unfortunately, even worse, who still engage in such behavior as adults, but for the most part, guys try to give up such behavior before reaching adulthood.

     As a young boy, I certainly had my share of "crushes" on the fairer sex.  Well, to be more accurate, I was a bit of a "serial admirer", seemingly having a crush on a different girl or teacher every few weeks.  For the most part, I just admired from afar, being too shy at the time to do anything about it, or else I probably would've had to live down the reputation of being a 7 year old male whore.  Of course, being a comic book fan, I probably would've excused the Scarlet "A" on my forehead as my personal tribute to Captain America, but as it turned out, I had no "game", so it was quite unnecessary.  If by some miracle, graffitti had appeared on the walls of the girls' bathroom saying "For a good time, call Freddie", it undoubtedly would've been followed by, "He has Legos! :) " So while I didn't engage in any misguided rude treatment of girls as an inept way of expressing affection for them, I still had my share of incidents that would cast doubts on a future as a schoolyard Romeo.

     One of these incidents occurred when I was in the first grade, and it was during recess time on the playground.  Now normally, my recess time consisted of either seeing how far I could kick the ball over the fend during a game of "kickball", or getting into a fight and seeing if I could kick someone's testicles over that same fence.  But on this particular day, my thoughts were more concerned with being a lover rather than a fighter.  I was standing on top of a metal platform that was about 10 feet off of the ground, and you would access it by climbing a ladder.  Once on the platform, you could either hang around up there, or go down a slide, or slide down a metal pole, much like a fireman or a girl trying to work her way through college at the local Spearmint Rhino club.  Being a spirited child, I think that I had been helping a couple of my peers disembark from the platform via the express route, without the use of the slide or the pole, and with their voices trailing off with the words, "I'll get you for thisssssss..."  But suddenly, my focus shifted.  Walking onto the sandy area where the platform was located was this cute little Cuban-American girl, named Arlene.
     Arlene was adorable, with these cute little earrings, and her mother would always dress her in these cute little dresses.  To me, she just stood out from all of the other girls, enough to make me just "freeze" where I was, forgetting all else.  I was transfixed.  She appeared as is she was walking in slow motion, although not in the "Baywatch" kind of slow motion, because she was only 6 for Pete's sake, but in a living dream sort of way.  It seemed as if the world around me ceased to exist, and I wondered if that feeling would last forever, when...it hit me.  No, it wasn't an errant playground ball that hit me, or a peer exacting his revenge on me...It was the horrible, rank stench of very strong, cheap perfume.  Apparently, Arlene's mother doused her in it.  If before that moment I had been hearing the sound of Angels singing, the stench of that strong perfume hitting my nose was like someone kicking the record player and causing the needle to slide across the album playing that heavenly music.  That stench seemed as if it were everywhere, both around me, and seemingly inside me. It was as if it took form, and was an entity trying to cause me physical harm.  It was very reminiscent of that scene from the movie "Ghost", where those Demons carry off that bad guy at the end, or worse, the scene where Demi Moore had to kiss Whoopi Goldberg.

     I became extremely nauseated, and my whole body seemed to lock up.  And what was worse, Arlene kept walking closer.  I started retching, and at the same time, Arlene looked up at me, and we made eye contact.  And just as she flashed a very cute smile at me, I shot out a stream of vomit, a little of which managed to splatter on her shoes.  I think after that incident, I was the only 6 year old that Vegas was already taking odds on the he'd never father any children. After all, that wasn't exactly a Rico Suave move on my part.  Yet, it didn't discourage my fascination with the opposite sex.  Sometimes this would involve crushes on girls in my class, or sometimes my thoughts ran along the lines of how I could get rid of my 3rd grade teacher's husband, taking his place at the breakfast table, sitting in my tightie whities while my teacher served me scrambled eggs while looking ravishing in her nightgown.

    A few years down the road, when I wasn't being isolated from the rest of the classroom due to my delinquent behavior, I'd find myself more often than not, sitting where the girls sat during class. Some of my male friends would look at me curiously, wondering why I wasn't "chilling" with the guys, but I knew what I was doing.  I already discovered that there would be plenty of time to hang with the fellas, but that spending time with the opposite sex certainly had its advantages.  Oh sure, there were the obvious ones, being that they were much more pleasant to look at, coming with accessories that us guys just didn't have.  But more than that, I just enjoyed their company, even as friends.  For one thing, they often offered a wider range of subjects to discuss than most guys did.  For someone like me, who always enjoyed conversation, it was very refreshing.  And in some ways, I'd have to agree with the statement that girls mature faster than boys.  And as I was always mature for my age, that was appealing as well.

     And over the years, my confidence and proficiency in interacting with women would grow tremendously, as would my understanding and appreciation of them.  A good woman is not only a great complement for a man, but a tremendous asset as well.  And in spite of the fact that to one degree or another, we thing that they're all crazy, we men still need them. Very much.  Sure we've come a long way since we first discovered fire, with the ability to launch man into outer space for extended periods of time, the discovery of cures for illnesses that would previously kill mass quantities of people, and the ability to create great works of art, whether they are in words, pictures, or music.  But many of us are still inept at the art of communication, finding a tie to match our shirts, and we are still producing fine examples of our gender such as the male from "Jersey Shore".  Not to mention the fact, that we see fire not only as a way to cook our food and keep us warm so that we may stay alive, but also as a tool to light our farts.

     And it's very possible that all of our testosterone, as well as our lack of proficiency in positive communication and conflict resolution (again, only generally speaking) are at the forefront of the reasons why the vast majority of violent acts committed by men.  If we men took a cue from women, there would be a lot less bloodshed.  A man is a lot less likely to pull out a gun on another man, if instead of getting kicked in the crotch, he merely has his shoes criticized, or is told that his pants make his ass look fat.

     Suffice it to say, I love women.  And good women give us so many good reasons to feel that way.  And I definitely count as part of my evolution, both as a man and a human being, the understanding of that fact.  And while I may not know my wines, or be able to identify most styles of art, I consider myself a bit of a connisseur, having a keen eye for woman with fine qualities.  I deserve nothing less, and thank goodness, I know they're out there.  And even though the company of an appealing female can still be exhilarating and intoxicating, just as it was when I was a kid, I've grown in my appreciation of them, and in how to express that apprecation.  So if I ever have the pleasure of your company, don't worry, you can leave the extra pair of clean shoes at home.
 

The Ones Who Are Worth It

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.  You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

     There's just no way around it.  People are imperfect.  Shocker, right?  As much as people can add to, and enrich our lives, in the way of love, companionship, conversation, support, the sharing of mutual interests, and dozens of other ways, they are bound to disappoint us at times.  Nothing new.  Yet, it seems as if we sometimes forget this very obvious and basic truth?  Why?  Well, while some of the specific reasons can vary case by case, and be numerous and individual, the most common one is because we allow ourselves to forget.  We simply allow ourselves to forget that these very same beings, who can be such a source of pleasure for us, can also be a source of disappointment, frustration, and hurt.

     And in part, it's our own perfection that allows us to forget.  And this is most true when it concerns our loved ones, who include our friends, family members, and lovers.  They have the power to hurt us most, and sometimes do, simply because they can.  Not in the sense that they say, "I'm going to hurt you because I can." (Although that sometimes can happen, and that's obviously a more involved issue)  They do it because we give them the power that allows them to.  They have that power because of the nature of our relationship with them, and because of the value that they represent to us.  This makes us more vulnerable.  An insult hurled at us from a drunken person off the street is usually going to have less impact on us than the same insult hurled at us from someone who's close to us (Unless of course, they happen to be one and the same person) . Knocking over a bottle of Pepsi in our kitchen is going to cause much less of a reaction in us than knocking over a $500 of champagne in that same kitchen.  And if you have a $500 bottle of champagne in your kitchen, then you and I need to discuss having dinner at your house sometime.

     And we can also allow them to hurt us by simply being unrealistic.  Just because we might care for, respect, and love these people more than we do most others, it doesn't make them any less imperfect or fallible.  Oh, sure, we'd love it if they were.  Now that would certainly make things easier on us wouldn't it? Ah... If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full...

     But their imperfection actions don't mean that they love, respect, or regard us any less.  Sometimes they just can't help themselves.  And we have no control over that.  However, what we can have control over is our perspective.  We should remember that people are imperfect and that often they don't understand the impact that their words and actions have on us. (Unless we let them know.  As highly as we think of those close to us, it's asking too much to expect them to be mind readers.) This can help lessen the likelihood or severity of us getting hurt.  And sometimes, people just don't communicate well or accurately with their words or actions.  We often have to look beyond the surface of things, determining what their motivations might be, or if their might be extenuating circumstances.  Sometimes a complaint about whether or not you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom, roll the toilet paper underhand or overhand, or about how you're ALWAYS late, or any number of other things, is really a mixed-up way of expressing frustration over something else that is infinitely more important to them.

     And we also have to allow for the fact, that many people simply have little or no interest in how WE think they should act,think, or be.  That was a hard for for me to learn too.  People have to decide for themselves who they're going to be.  Good or bad, whether we like it or we don't, in the end, the decision is theirs alone.  There's no guarantee that we can change them anyway, and it's more likely that all we'll get for our trouble is frustration, resentment, and hurt.  Trying to fit people into a mold of what we want them to be, is going to be like trying to fit a 400 lb. man into a 32 waist pair of jeans. Its going to be futile, ugly, and there's likely to be lots of cursing.  In the end, we learn to accept a person for who he or she basically is, both good and bad, or we don't.

     Of course, another alternative would be to just say "The hell with it!"  Then we can just detach ourselves from caring and feeling for others, and spin ourselves a little protective cocoon, sheltering ourselves from any potential disappointment and hurt.  But when we shelter or close ourselves off from the potential hurt that goes along with caring for and getting close to people, we also shelter ourselves and close ourselves off from the potential pleasure that goes along with taking such a risk. And that really what it's all about isn't it?  Weights and balances, pros v.s. cons, costs v.s. benefits... And perhaps the most fundamental question is:  "Is my life better with or without this person in my life?"  That's an individual decision, something that in the end is ours and ours alone.  For we are the ones who primarily have to live with the consequences of our decisions, whether they be good or bad.  The fact of the matter is that we were just not meant to be alone.  It's not in our makeup.  Maybe some of us feel the need for more or less people in our lives than do others, but we all need them to one extent or another.  And for all the potential headaches and heartaches that go along with having people in our lives, there can be lots of wonderful benefits that people can deliver into our lives.  As as mentioned, there are things that we can do to make that delivery go a little smoother.  There are some amazing people in this world.  I know, because I've come across them, and that may include you.  And the fact that they're out there, living among the less than amazing, is why we're having this little chat.  We just have to choose the ones who are worth it.