"Words have power. Just as fire can be a gift, by both keeping us warm and cooking our food, for both sustenance and life, yet still have destructive power, with the ability to take away that same life, so words can prove to be a tool for either sustenance or destruction. Words have power. Once they're said, we can't take them back. There's no bungee cord on them that allow us to pull them back. Words spoken become a part of recorded history. So if we're going to say something, whose impression may last forever, let's make it positive, not negative. Let's build up, not tear down."
"While it's true that we can always ask forgiveness for mispoken words that hurt or make someone feel "less than", we can't count on the offended person's ability to overcome the hurtful words. We can only exercise control over the words that come out of our mouths."
I first wrote the proceeding words several months ago, in one of my notebooks, with the intention of incorporating them as part of a future book. Ironically, and sadly, I came across them again, a couple of months later, the day after I failed to follow my own advice. In spite of the negative behavior that I've sometimes encountered from others, for years, I've managed to show discipline in the words that have come out of my mouths. I can't be responsible for the behavior of others, only mine. But on this particular day, with this particular situation, I failed to do so. And they've very possibly made an indelible impression on this person, in a negative way. In a single stroke, I managed to undo months of effort to build someone up, to try to help them forget the negative "Ghost Voices" of their past, which were often attempting to outshout the positive voices of their present. It can happen just that quickly. Whether or not others may say that my words that were spoken were accurate or not, justified or not, is irrelevant. The only things that is relevant is that I said them, and the impact that they made. And sometimes, 1000 apologies will never make up for one poorly spoken word.
And our misteps aren't always limited to words, but often can include our actions. I used to work in Behavior Management, working with both adults and at-risk youth. And one of the things that I would sometimes tell the clients was, "It only takes a second to make a dumb decision that we can pay for with the rest of our lives." And I'd relate to them the story of how years before, during my less evolved days, how I had become so upset during one arguement, that I threw a bowl of refried beans across the kitchen, both striking a wall and breaking the bowl. But of course, as so often happens with emotional reactions, thee were more negative consequences. There were beans splattered all over the wall, and the bowl made a hole in wall. And to make matters wores, they weren't even my bowl, my wall, or my apartment. Yeah, sometimes people make dumb mistakes, and other people pay for them. While I can now laugh at how ridiculous the situation was, it wasn't nearly so funny at the time. I had to hurry off back to work, being that I was on my lunch hours, but I obviously had to come back later in order to clean up the mess that I had made. By the time I got back, several hours later on that unusually warm Autumn night, the kitchen smelled like a Taco Bell restaurant had blown up. After many apologies for my earlier behavior, and a couple of hours of scrubbing the walls, the beans were nowhere to be been. But, the smell of the beans still remained, and a $50 dollar wall patch job needed to be done as well. So long after my attempts to clean up the mess were over, the memory of my actions still lingered. And they were more costly than anticipated. But it isn't that the way it usually is with bad decisions?
When we're upset, the first thing that comes to our mind as far as a response, is usually the wrong thing. So taking a personal time out, whether it be counting to 10, physically removing ourselves from the situation, or whatever method is helpful, is always a good idea. I advised one young person, when he would feel himself beginning to get upset, to stop and ask himself these 3 questions. Since they can be easy to forget when we're upset or first trying to learn the new behavior, I wrote them down for him on two cards, one of which he carried in this wallet, and the other which he taped to his desk at school.
1. Ask yourself, " Why am I upet?"
Often the answer to this question is because we feel that were not getting what we want in one shape or form. Perhaps consideration, acknowledgement, respect, love, food, service, physical comfort, or any number of things.
2. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do about it? And is that the best thing to do?
3. Ask yourself, "Will that get me what I want?"
I find these questions helpful, not only because they can help us with our self-awareness as to our motivations and our feelings, but they also help ust to think things through. Because behind every emotion is a thought. Plus, the time it takes to consider them often takes 10 seconds, which gives us time to calm down some, and avoid reacting impulsively, and thus possibly avoid much regret.
And when it comes to split second decisions, there are lots of things that are more critical and impactful than throwing a bowl of refried beans. Some of them involve whether or not to use protection (when it comes to S.T.D. s, sharing is NOT caring), whether or not to pull the trigger of a gun, or to get behind the wheel of that car when we've tossed back a few adult beverages, and so on, and so on.
I don't mind being candid about some of my mistakes of the past, partly because I've learned from them. And also, because it can be tough learning life's lessons, and I often have learned not only from my mistakes, but the mistakes of others. It's shortened the learning curve for me, and if I can shorten the learning curve for someone else, by virture of my lessons learned...then I'm glad to do it. Every one of us is here for a purpose. We all matter, and so does what we do.
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