Today, we're celebrating your 13th Birthday, and I'll go ahead and use the cliche' "It seems like yesterday", because it really does seem like just yesterday, that I held you in my arms for the first time, and all it took that first time was you grasping and clutching my finger with your little hand, to soothe and comfort you and to stop you from crying. And it wasn't long afterward, that I would come home from work, take you into my arms, and marvel at the look of wonder in your eyes as you were transfixed with my daily ritual of singing Bob Marley's "Two little birds": "Don't worry...about a thing...Because every little thing...is going to be alright."
And it's true. Every little thing is going to be alright. I began to really believe that then, and I've only become more convinced of that every day since that day. And that's one of the truths of life that I hope to pass on to you. It's a big responsibility, but one I've gladly undertaken, and it's also one of the many promises that I made when I first held you in my arms that day in the hospital. I was both excited by your arrival, to the point of being in awe, and also scared by it. I was in awe, because I held a miracle in my arms, and I had never thought up to that point that I would actually become a father. And it was like being born all over, with an opportunity to create and nurture a better version of myself. And not in the sense of trying to live vicariously through you in any way, or planning a detailed future for you. But in the sense that I could guide, teach, inspire, and love you, and nurture you in ways that I hadn't experienced, so that you would have the opportunity to realize a world of possibilities, and be best prepared to create life and happiness as you wish. And yet, for all the same reasons that I was in awe and excited, I was also scared. Because all of that was not only a tremendous privilege for me, but a tremendous responsibility as well. I really wasn't sure if I was up to the task. For it would require me to think outside of myself in a way that I never really quite had before. It meant I could be nearly as self-centered as I had been up to that point. It meant that I couldn't be nearly as self-centered as I had been up to that point.
But then, that's the way life works. It presents us with challenges that require us to become more than we are at the present time. Challenges that force us to become more in order to do more. Challenges that require us to become the kind of person it takes to successfully meet those challenges. And fear often comes along with the territory. Because we are venturing into an unknown realm, into unfamiliar territory. But every new journey begins with a first, unfamiliar step. A step that we hadn't taken previously. And yet, every new race that is won, every journey that is successfully fulfilled, is always accomplished with a first step that hadn't previously been taken.
And in my quest to give you the opportunities to develop into the best quality person you can be, I in turn, became a much better person. Because I had to in order to become the kind of person who could carry out the privilege and responsibility of being a good parent. And I had always wanted to become better than I was, for reaching my full potential was something I had always aspired to. But your arrival definitely gave the matter a great sense of urgency and importance. Because I would no longer be doing it for myself alone. And I am grateful for that.
I've been blessed with the acquired understanding that everything that I've ever experienced, both good and bad, was for a purpose. And I've been blessed with many opportunities to share my lessons and acquired perspective with others, so that all the trials, tests, and experiences have not been for naught. And I've been blessed in many instances to positively impact, guide, teach, encourage, influence, and in some cases, inspire others. But no greater opportunity or privilege has existed like the opportunity I have to do those things for you. And no opportunity means more to me.
And yet, as big a task as I had before me, and still have before me, you've certainly made it easier in some ways. You possess a sensitivity and compassion for the feelings of others, that comes much more naturally for you than it did for me. And you also often display a work ethic as well as respect for your fellow human beings that I didn't develop until I was several years older than you. While I've been very proud of your accomplishments in school, of which there have been plenty, I think I was even more proud of how you recovered so incredibly well when you were struggling a bit with your academics earlier this year. That recovery, that ability to bounce back said even more about your developing character. And the way I've seen you interact with others, like when you were around 6 years old, and I'd see you aiding smaller children you had just encountered, either with tying their shoe so that they wouldn't fall, or helping them climb into a bounce house, all the while other children your age and older were too pre-occupied with their own activity to help these small children...You made my heart smile so much. And it's still smiling even as I remember it and write it down, and the beaming smile on my face is keeping it company.
It's funny, because while I very much miss those days of playing hide and seek with you, playing the "Big Bad Wolf and the 3 Little pigs" in the playhouses that they used to have outside of "Toys r' us", playing "Spiderman" in the park every weekend, and you holding my hand while we walked in public...I understand that I can't both have that and watch you grow into the woman that I also hoped and knew you could become. I can't have my cake and eat it too. But I can wish...
And that's one of the other ways that I've grown, both as a person and as a parent. I've come to understand and accept that I can't both protect you and prepare you for the world. I can't shield you from the world. But I can prepare you to successfully deal with it on your own terms. I can't make you happy or ensure that you will have a happy life. But I can give you the tools, knowledge, lessons, encouragement, love, and support, so that you can better create those things for yourself and have the confidence and faith that you can. And I wouldn't be doing you justice by providing a safety net for you when you fall. Yet I know that as a parent that inclination is always there. But I can point out some of the potholes along the path of life. And if you should trip and fall, and there will be times that you will, I'll always be there to help you pick yourself up and encourage you to keep on traveling, to keep moving forward.
It's a new chapter in you life, and it won't be the only one. And as with most new journeys, it will involve both a mixture of excitement and fear. But will get through it together. Like the song say, "...Every little thing...is going to be alright."
Love,
Dad
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Ones Who Are Worth It
"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
There's just no way around it. People are imperfect. Shocker, right? As much as people can add to, and enrich our lives, in the way of love, companionship, conversation, support, the sharing of mutual interests, and dozens of other ways, they are bound to disappoint us at times. Nothing new. Yet, it seems as if we sometimes forget this very obvious and basic truth? Why? Well, while some of the specific reasons can vary case by case, and be numerous and individual, the most common one is because we allow ourselves to forget. We simply allow ourselves to forget that these very same beings, who can be such a source of pleasure for us, can also be a source of disappointment, frustration, and hurt.
And in part, it's our own perfection that allows us to forget. And this is most true when it concerns our loved ones, who include our friends, family members, and lovers. They have the power to hurt us most, and sometimes do, simply because they can. Not in the sense that they say, "I'm going to hurt you because I can." (Although that sometimes can happen, and that's obviously a more involved issue) They do it because we give them the power that allows them to. They have that power because of the nature of our relationship with them, and because of the value that they represent to us. This makes us more vulnerable. An insult hurled at us from a drunken person off the street is usually going to have less impact on us than the same insult hurled at us from someone who's close to us (Unless of course, they happen to be one and the same person) . Knocking over a bottle of Pepsi in our kitchen is going to cause much less of a reaction in us than knocking over a $500 of champagne in that same kitchen. And if you have a $500 bottle of champagne in your kitchen, then you and I need to discuss having dinner at your house sometime.
And we can also allow them to hurt us by simply being unrealistic. Just because we might care for, respect, and love these people more than we do most others, it doesn't make them any less imperfect or fallible. Oh, sure, we'd love it if they were. Now that would certainly make things easier on us wouldn't it? Ah... If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full...
But their imperfection actions don't mean that they love, respect, or regard us any less. Sometimes they just can't help themselves. And we have no control over that. However, what we can have control over is our perspective. We should remember that people are imperfect and that often they don't understand the impact that their words and actions have on us. (Unless we let them know. As highly as we think of those close to us, it's asking too much to expect them to be mind readers.) This can help lessen the likelihood or severity of us getting hurt. And sometimes, people just don't communicate well or accurately with their words or actions. We often have to look beyond the surface of things, determining what their motivations might be, or if their might be extenuating circumstances. Sometimes a complaint about whether or not you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom, roll the toilet paper underhand or overhand, or about how you're ALWAYS late, or any number of other things, is really a mixed-up way of expressing frustration over something else that is infinitely more important to them.
And we also have to allow for the fact, that many people simply have little or no interest in how WE think they should act,think, or be. That was a hard for for me to learn too. People have to decide for themselves who they're going to be. Good or bad, whether we like it or we don't, in the end, the decision is theirs alone. There's no guarantee that we can change them anyway, and it's more likely that all we'll get for our trouble is frustration, resentment, and hurt. Trying to fit people into a mold of what we want them to be, is going to be like trying to fit a 400 lb. man into a 32 waist pair of jeans. Its going to be futile, ugly, and there's likely to be lots of cursing. In the end, we learn to accept a person for who he or she basically is, both good and bad, or we don't.
Of course, another alternative would be to just say "The hell with it!" Then we can just detach ourselves from caring and feeling for others, and spin ourselves a little protective cocoon, sheltering ourselves from any potential disappointment and hurt. But when we shelter or close ourselves off from the potential hurt that goes along with caring for and getting close to people, we also shelter ourselves and close ourselves off from the potential pleasure that goes along with taking such a risk. And that really what it's all about isn't it? Weights and balances, pros v.s. cons, costs v.s. benefits... And perhaps the most fundamental question is: "Is my life better with or without this person in my life?" That's an individual decision, something that in the end is ours and ours alone. For we are the ones who primarily have to live with the consequences of our decisions, whether they be good or bad. The fact of the matter is that we were just not meant to be alone. It's not in our makeup. Maybe some of us feel the need for more or less people in our lives than do others, but we all need them to one extent or another. And for all the potential headaches and heartaches that go along with having people in our lives, there can be lots of wonderful benefits that people can deliver into our lives. As as mentioned, there are things that we can do to make that delivery go a little smoother. There are some amazing people in this world. I know, because I've come across them, and that may include you. And the fact that they're out there, living among the less than amazing, is why we're having this little chat. We just have to choose the ones who are worth it.
There's just no way around it. People are imperfect. Shocker, right? As much as people can add to, and enrich our lives, in the way of love, companionship, conversation, support, the sharing of mutual interests, and dozens of other ways, they are bound to disappoint us at times. Nothing new. Yet, it seems as if we sometimes forget this very obvious and basic truth? Why? Well, while some of the specific reasons can vary case by case, and be numerous and individual, the most common one is because we allow ourselves to forget. We simply allow ourselves to forget that these very same beings, who can be such a source of pleasure for us, can also be a source of disappointment, frustration, and hurt.
And in part, it's our own perfection that allows us to forget. And this is most true when it concerns our loved ones, who include our friends, family members, and lovers. They have the power to hurt us most, and sometimes do, simply because they can. Not in the sense that they say, "I'm going to hurt you because I can." (Although that sometimes can happen, and that's obviously a more involved issue) They do it because we give them the power that allows them to. They have that power because of the nature of our relationship with them, and because of the value that they represent to us. This makes us more vulnerable. An insult hurled at us from a drunken person off the street is usually going to have less impact on us than the same insult hurled at us from someone who's close to us (Unless of course, they happen to be one and the same person) . Knocking over a bottle of Pepsi in our kitchen is going to cause much less of a reaction in us than knocking over a $500 of champagne in that same kitchen. And if you have a $500 bottle of champagne in your kitchen, then you and I need to discuss having dinner at your house sometime.
And we can also allow them to hurt us by simply being unrealistic. Just because we might care for, respect, and love these people more than we do most others, it doesn't make them any less imperfect or fallible. Oh, sure, we'd love it if they were. Now that would certainly make things easier on us wouldn't it? Ah... If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full...
But their imperfection actions don't mean that they love, respect, or regard us any less. Sometimes they just can't help themselves. And we have no control over that. However, what we can have control over is our perspective. We should remember that people are imperfect and that often they don't understand the impact that their words and actions have on us. (Unless we let them know. As highly as we think of those close to us, it's asking too much to expect them to be mind readers.) This can help lessen the likelihood or severity of us getting hurt. And sometimes, people just don't communicate well or accurately with their words or actions. We often have to look beyond the surface of things, determining what their motivations might be, or if their might be extenuating circumstances. Sometimes a complaint about whether or not you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom, roll the toilet paper underhand or overhand, or about how you're ALWAYS late, or any number of other things, is really a mixed-up way of expressing frustration over something else that is infinitely more important to them.
And we also have to allow for the fact, that many people simply have little or no interest in how WE think they should act,think, or be. That was a hard for for me to learn too. People have to decide for themselves who they're going to be. Good or bad, whether we like it or we don't, in the end, the decision is theirs alone. There's no guarantee that we can change them anyway, and it's more likely that all we'll get for our trouble is frustration, resentment, and hurt. Trying to fit people into a mold of what we want them to be, is going to be like trying to fit a 400 lb. man into a 32 waist pair of jeans. Its going to be futile, ugly, and there's likely to be lots of cursing. In the end, we learn to accept a person for who he or she basically is, both good and bad, or we don't.
Of course, another alternative would be to just say "The hell with it!" Then we can just detach ourselves from caring and feeling for others, and spin ourselves a little protective cocoon, sheltering ourselves from any potential disappointment and hurt. But when we shelter or close ourselves off from the potential hurt that goes along with caring for and getting close to people, we also shelter ourselves and close ourselves off from the potential pleasure that goes along with taking such a risk. And that really what it's all about isn't it? Weights and balances, pros v.s. cons, costs v.s. benefits... And perhaps the most fundamental question is: "Is my life better with or without this person in my life?" That's an individual decision, something that in the end is ours and ours alone. For we are the ones who primarily have to live with the consequences of our decisions, whether they be good or bad. The fact of the matter is that we were just not meant to be alone. It's not in our makeup. Maybe some of us feel the need for more or less people in our lives than do others, but we all need them to one extent or another. And for all the potential headaches and heartaches that go along with having people in our lives, there can be lots of wonderful benefits that people can deliver into our lives. As as mentioned, there are things that we can do to make that delivery go a little smoother. There are some amazing people in this world. I know, because I've come across them, and that may include you. And the fact that they're out there, living among the less than amazing, is why we're having this little chat. We just have to choose the ones who are worth it.
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