Today, we're celebrating your 13th Birthday, and I'll go ahead and use the cliche' "It seems like yesterday", because it really does seem like just yesterday, that I held you in my arms for the first time, and all it took that first time was you grasping and clutching my finger with your little hand, to soothe and comfort you and to stop you from crying. And it wasn't long afterward, that I would come home from work, take you into my arms, and marvel at the look of wonder in your eyes as you were transfixed with my daily ritual of singing Bob Marley's "Two little birds": "Don't worry...about a thing...Because every little thing...is going to be alright."
And it's true. Every little thing is going to be alright. I began to really believe that then, and I've only become more convinced of that every day since that day. And that's one of the truths of life that I hope to pass on to you. It's a big responsibility, but one I've gladly undertaken, and it's also one of the many promises that I made when I first held you in my arms that day in the hospital. I was both excited by your arrival, to the point of being in awe, and also scared by it. I was in awe, because I held a miracle in my arms, and I had never thought up to that point that I would actually become a father. And it was like being born all over, with an opportunity to create and nurture a better version of myself. And not in the sense of trying to live vicariously through you in any way, or planning a detailed future for you. But in the sense that I could guide, teach, inspire, and love you, and nurture you in ways that I hadn't experienced, so that you would have the opportunity to realize a world of possibilities, and be best prepared to create life and happiness as you wish. And yet, for all the same reasons that I was in awe and excited, I was also scared. Because all of that was not only a tremendous privilege for me, but a tremendous responsibility as well. I really wasn't sure if I was up to the task. For it would require me to think outside of myself in a way that I never really quite had before. It meant I could be nearly as self-centered as I had been up to that point. It meant that I couldn't be nearly as self-centered as I had been up to that point.
But then, that's the way life works. It presents us with challenges that require us to become more than we are at the present time. Challenges that force us to become more in order to do more. Challenges that require us to become the kind of person it takes to successfully meet those challenges. And fear often comes along with the territory. Because we are venturing into an unknown realm, into unfamiliar territory. But every new journey begins with a first, unfamiliar step. A step that we hadn't taken previously. And yet, every new race that is won, every journey that is successfully fulfilled, is always accomplished with a first step that hadn't previously been taken.
And in my quest to give you the opportunities to develop into the best quality person you can be, I in turn, became a much better person. Because I had to in order to become the kind of person who could carry out the privilege and responsibility of being a good parent. And I had always wanted to become better than I was, for reaching my full potential was something I had always aspired to. But your arrival definitely gave the matter a great sense of urgency and importance. Because I would no longer be doing it for myself alone. And I am grateful for that.
I've been blessed with the acquired understanding that everything that I've ever experienced, both good and bad, was for a purpose. And I've been blessed with many opportunities to share my lessons and acquired perspective with others, so that all the trials, tests, and experiences have not been for naught. And I've been blessed in many instances to positively impact, guide, teach, encourage, influence, and in some cases, inspire others. But no greater opportunity or privilege has existed like the opportunity I have to do those things for you. And no opportunity means more to me.
And yet, as big a task as I had before me, and still have before me, you've certainly made it easier in some ways. You possess a sensitivity and compassion for the feelings of others, that comes much more naturally for you than it did for me. And you also often display a work ethic as well as respect for your fellow human beings that I didn't develop until I was several years older than you. While I've been very proud of your accomplishments in school, of which there have been plenty, I think I was even more proud of how you recovered so incredibly well when you were struggling a bit with your academics earlier this year. That recovery, that ability to bounce back said even more about your developing character. And the way I've seen you interact with others, like when you were around 6 years old, and I'd see you aiding smaller children you had just encountered, either with tying their shoe so that they wouldn't fall, or helping them climb into a bounce house, all the while other children your age and older were too pre-occupied with their own activity to help these small children...You made my heart smile so much. And it's still smiling even as I remember it and write it down, and the beaming smile on my face is keeping it company.
It's funny, because while I very much miss those days of playing hide and seek with you, playing the "Big Bad Wolf and the 3 Little pigs" in the playhouses that they used to have outside of "Toys r' us", playing "Spiderman" in the park every weekend, and you holding my hand while we walked in public...I understand that I can't both have that and watch you grow into the woman that I also hoped and knew you could become. I can't have my cake and eat it too. But I can wish...
And that's one of the other ways that I've grown, both as a person and as a parent. I've come to understand and accept that I can't both protect you and prepare you for the world. I can't shield you from the world. But I can prepare you to successfully deal with it on your own terms. I can't make you happy or ensure that you will have a happy life. But I can give you the tools, knowledge, lessons, encouragement, love, and support, so that you can better create those things for yourself and have the confidence and faith that you can. And I wouldn't be doing you justice by providing a safety net for you when you fall. Yet I know that as a parent that inclination is always there. But I can point out some of the potholes along the path of life. And if you should trip and fall, and there will be times that you will, I'll always be there to help you pick yourself up and encourage you to keep on traveling, to keep moving forward.
It's a new chapter in you life, and it won't be the only one. And as with most new journeys, it will involve both a mixture of excitement and fear. But will get through it together. Like the song say, "...Every little thing...is going to be alright."
Love,
Dad
Showing posts with label Growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growing up. Show all posts
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
It's never too early too learn
When I was 5 years old, I lived across the street from the elementary school that I attended. You'd think that kind of close proximity would've spelled murder for me, because theoretically, it'd be easier for my teachers to arrange conferences with my parents regarding my behavior. Luckily, that happened far less than I gave them reason to. Anyway, when I was in kindergarten, one of my best friends, if not THE best friend I had at the time, was a little blonde girl named Anna. We used to enjoy talking to each other at recess time, and since she lived only a few houses down from me, I visited her a few times at her home after the school day was over. My mother and stepfather used to tease me, saying that Anna was my girlfriend. I really didn't like hearing that, for what 5 year old boy wants to have a girlfriend? Of course, it's always possible that this was just the first step in what would become my openness to interracial dating. And I'm most certain that it was the first example for me of a pure friendship, one that was innocent, purely based on mutual regard and mutual enjoyment of each other's company. The kind that are still very much possible to have as one gets older, yet seemingly get harder to find. And it was on one of the these occasions while I was playing with Anna in her living room, that I looked up to see her father standing there. He was always there during the day time, and looking back on it now, I wonder if he worked at night, or if he wasn't working at all at that particular time.
Anyhow, on this particular occasion, when I happened to look up and find him staring at me, he jut had this look of utter contempt on his face. I couldn't understand why, because I had done nothing wrong, and I felt that Anna and I were playing quietly, but what I did know was that it made me feel very uncomfortable. And unfortunately, that would be the last time that I would get to visit Anna at her home. She told me the next day at school that her Dad said that I wasn't allowed to go over there anymore. I didn't know why, and its possible Anna didn't either. I thought that kind of sucked, but I still got to talk to Anna at school, although it seemed a little less frequent.
Later on in life, I was able to look back on that incident at Anna's house with a little more perspective. As I continued through life, I would come to recognize that same look that her father had on his face, on the faces of others. There was always the possibility that her father just didn't like the thought of his daughter having a boy around the house. After all, what father is ever ready for his daughter to take an interest in boys, at any age much less the age of 5? But no, it was more than that. I firmly believe that it was my skin tone. Sure, I'm a little on the lighter side for a Chicano, but I'm still Latino nontheless, and for some people, regardless of race or creed, differences are intolerable. It was unfortunate that I had to have my first taste of the racist brand of narrowmindedness at such a young age, but it was bound to happen. I didn't see Anna over that next summer, or even during the next school year, and I missed my friend very much. Then one day in the second grade, I was walking back to my classroom during recess, and I heard someone call my name. It was Anna, and she was sitting on the concrete walkway outside of her classroom, with her back against the wall. I was both excited and surprised to see my friend whom I had missed so much.
She looked very sad, and I asked her where she'd been, because I hadn't seen her around. She said that her family had moved to a different house. It was weird, because it seemed that we both wanted to talk to eache other, and I wanted to comfort my friend because she was sad, but things seemed different between us. They had changed somehow, as if there was a barrier between us other than time lost. I remembered how in kindergarten there were a couple of times that I had tried to comfort her while she was crying. She had said at those times that she was crying because her Dad was meant to her. I wanted to comfort her now as well, but it felt as if there was an unbridgeable gap between us. It was an uncomfortable moment for both of us, and being young, and not knowing what else to say, I said goodbye and continued to walk to class.
For a long time, on the rare occasions when I'd be reminded of that incident, I wondered if I was less of a friend than I should've been. As if there were more that I could've done, but hadn't. And I felt bad about that. But eventually, I came to the realization that there could've been several possibilities, including personal problems on her part, (most likely having to do with her home life) that might've caused the distance between us. And if that was the case, I had no control over that. While we can contribute to the happiness of others, and they can contribute to ours, we are not responsible for anyone else's happiness, nor are they responsible for ours. And as we go through life, we are all bound to pick up a little baggage. Now some people may be quick to protest, "No, not me!" But I think my statement about baggage is fair and accurate. Baggage doesn't always have to have a negative connotation or impact, although it often does. Sometimes baggage is just something that we have as a result of having lived and experiencing life. Sometimes in can be the result of mistakes, and sometimes in can be the result of negative experiences, but often, it's simply the result of living. The difference is in how much of it is negative vs. how much of it is just the result of experience? And how much do we have, and how heavy is it to carry? If it weighs us down, and impedes us from being able to move forward on our path, or if we end up dumping it on other people because it's too much for us to handle, then it becomes problem.
And perhaps that experience with Anna was also my first lesson that things change, that people sometimes drift apart for whatever reason, and that we need to be prepared to move on in life. Again, a hard lesson at an early age, but a necessary one. People, and sets of situations that we encounter in life's journey, are like a single puzzle piece in a thousand peice puzzle. Some pieces are bigger than others, but all are necessary for us to complete the final picture. Where we sometimes get into trouble is when we try to force a peice into a place that it doesn't belong, in an effort to quickly complete the puzzle. When that happens, not only do we risk distorting the final picture, but breaking that particular puzzle piece in the process. It's every piece in its own place and its own time.
And so I've also learned to appreciate, reflect on, and treasure the good memories from every situation and relationship, and I've learned that those are things that time can never destroy or tarnish. And that like money in the bank, they can collect interest over time. When we're feeling a little shipwrecked in life, lost at sea, suitcases of good memories are the kind of baggage that can make great floatation devices, keeping our head above water, rather than weighing us down, causing us to sink. Sometimes, it's all in how we look at things.
"Men are disturbed, not by things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen." - Epictetus
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Daddy's little girl
Like most adults, I have several roles that I play in life, but since the day that my daughter was born, the most pivotal, challenging, and most of all rewarding one, has been that of Daddy. I've been called many names before, some unfit to print here (thanks, mom), but the one that I've enjoyed hearing most is "Daddy". And at times, it seems as if my daughter is determined to be the only one that will ever call me that. There have been a few exceptions, but I'm determined to keep this post rated "PG", so I'll just gloss over those.
But then, it hasn't always been that way. I can recall when my daughter was 5, and we were in the local supermarket, looking for the shortest checkout line while I pushed our cart full of groceries, and my daughter reached up and grabbed my arm, shaking it to get my attention, and was excitedly yelling "Dad! Dad!" I was hoping that she had spotted a very short line, but thought that with my luck she simply wanted to point out that I had toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe. And that it was used. But as it turned out, I was wrong on all counts. I then asked my daughter "What? What is it?" She then pointed towards an attractive female checker and excitedly shouted, "Look! Look!" (Now when you picture my daughter speaking as a five year old, you have to keep in mind that at the time, she had a speech delay, which made her sound like a 3 year old. It sometimes bothered her, but I thought she sounded adorable.) "Look at what?" I asked. "Look at that girl Dad!" "Well, what about her?" "She's PRETTY Dad!" I laughed and responded, "Well, yes, she is. But why are you telling me this?" She turned to me and said with a smile on her face and a tone in her voice that indicated that she was merely stating the obvious, and answered, "Because...You LIKE pretty girls, Dad!"
I was both shocked and relieved. Had I been that obvious in my attraction to women? For a brief moment, a slight paranoia struck me and I began to pat down my shirt to see if it was wet from drool, and to look around me to see if some supermarket worker had placed any of those yellow cones around me that said "wet floor/mojado", either indicating excessive drool on my part or questioning my right to be in this country. I had always considered myself discreet when casting an admiring eye on a woman, so I just figured that my daughter was quite perceptive. She probably figured that there must be some reason we were always getting extra tokens from the female workers at Chuck E. Cheese. And I was encouraged that she seemed to be accepting that her single Dad would be attracted to women, and what's more, seemed to be more than willing to point them out to me. Not only was that a relief for me, but it seemed to have nice possibilities.
Years before I had become a father, I had been somewhat of a father figure to my youngest sister, who is 16 years my junior. I bought her first bikes, taught her to ride them (and file the serial numbers off of the frames), took her to parks, the zoo, and to amusement parks, and taught her some of the things that kids need to learn in their first few years. And unfortunately for me on one occasion, one of those things was self-defense. One of the unexpected benefits of being such a good big brother and taking my kid sister almost everywhere with me, was that many women find it appealing when they see a man interacting well with a child and being an active participant in their life. And like some perceptive young men, I sometimes used it as an opportunity to strike up chats with attractive women that I encountered in public. One of those occasions was when my then-5 year old sister and I were waiting in a check out line at the local Sam's Club. I wasn't 20 seconds into a conversation with an attractive woman in the next line, when my kid sister decided to demonstrate on me the effectiveness of a straight right punch to the crotch of an unsuspecting male. As it turned out...it was quite effective. Effective in causing me to lose my air, buckle my knees, change color a couple of times, and in causing the attractive young woman to cringe in sympathy before proceeding through her check out line. And of course my sister stood there with a smile on her face, as if expecting to hear a "Thatta girl" from me and encouragement to pick the candy of her choice from near the checkout stand. As if I would be capable of any kind of speech for the next 20 minutes. I think the only voice she should've expected to hear was the one over the PA system requesting a "Clean up on check stand 4."
So, flashing back several years ahead, and with my hands instinctively shielding my crotch area, my daughter and I proceeded through our supermarket check out line, and I pondered the thought that my luck may have changed, and that I just might now have an effective wingman.
That excitement was very short lived however, because not too long after, while taking her back to her mom's house after one of our weekend visits, I had to make an urgent stop at a bathroom, because I had made the mistake of drinking way too much liquid before the nearly 2 hour drive. Just before I burst into the men's room at the local Wendy's Restaurant and my bladder burst on me, I made eye contact with a very attractive woman who was standing in line to place her food order, and we exchanged smiles. Being that I had my daughter with me, I don't think that I would've asked her for her number or anything, but the thought of another quick exchange of looks and flirtatious smiles would've been a nice way to stroke my ego, so I was hoping that I'd see her again after my quick visit to the bathroom. I did, and slightly sooner than expected. Although I was in the bathroom less than 2 minutes, to a 5 year old who's waiting in the hallway and has no concept of time, that seems like an eternity. So when I exited the bathroom, and Lo and behold, made eye contact with the attractive woman from earlier, who was now on her way to her own bathroom break, my daughter promptly blurted out, "Man, Dad! You took a long time!!!" As if in very painfully slow motion, the attractive woman's smile transitioned to a look of embarrassment (for me), and she then averted her eyes away from me and down toward the floor. Of course, my smile quickly left my own face as well, and the only one in the vicinity who seemed to manage to hold onto theirs, was of course, my daughter. In fact, I could've sworn her smile got wider...like a Cheshire Cat. But then again, that was probably just my paranoia kicking in. Probably.
But being the kind of person that tries to remain positive, and who gives people the benefit of the doubt, I chalked up the experience to mere coincidence and figured it might've been a fluke. But then a couple of months afterward, while innocently joking and chatting with the young lady working at the Burger King drive-thru, I turned toward the backseat to hand my daughter her kids' meal, and was met with a look that was both quite suspicious and cynical for a 5 year old. A look and a smirk that said, "Why don't you just quit your job so you could flirt full-time?" Sigh...I was beginning to think that the days of my daughter being my wingman were over before they even got started.
And I became positive that this was the case when after watching a Shakira music video, I turned and asked my daughter, who up until that moment was orchestrating a lively discussion between 2 Barbie dolls as to who would get to go with Ken and Scooby Doo to the movies, "How would you feel if your Dad decided to get married?' The way that my daughter dropped her Barbies (and her jaw dropped too) indicated that they were now probably headed to the Mattel Emergency room instead of the theater, and that she really didn't like the idea of her father having a female companion. I was joking of course, but she obviously didn't find anything funny in what I had said. And I was a little surprised at such a reaction. I then half expected to later find her cutting letters out of a magazine to paste them on a piece of paper, spelling out subtle threats to be mailed to Shakira. Of course, she probably receives plenty of letters warning, "Stay away from my Dad!" And probably mailed by their mothers...
And on another occasion, while my daughter was again playing with her Barbies on the floor of my bedroom, and Shakira was again letting people know that her "Hips don't lie", I jokingly made the remark to my daughter, "Look at your future step-mom, dancing on tv." My daughter then turned towards the tv, and stared for a while before turning back towards me. I don't know what she was thinking while she was staring at the Colombian beauty dancing, although something to the effect of "That tramp?!" probably wouldn't have been out of the question. My daughter then turned her look towards me and sat there without a word before turning her attention back to her Barbies. I realized that "Daddy's Girl" in her mind, meant that there really wasn't any room for others. At least not any time soon. So I sat down with her and assured her that I was only joking with my remark, and that she would always be Daddy's number one girl, no matter what. And we both then decided together that it would be a good idea for Barbie to put on her Mariachi hat and sunglasses before jumping into her jeep to drive herself and her friends to the beach.
And it's always been that way, with my daughter being my number one girl, and everything in my life, whether it be work, dating, or whatever, being secondary to, and revolving around my time with her. And that's how it should be. A few years later, when my daughter was 10, and we were sitting on top of the Ferris wheel at Knott's Scary farm, admiring the night lights, I mentioned to her that this might be the last time we do this together. She laughed, as if I were joking, and asked, "Why?" To which I responded, "Because even though you don't understand this right now, there's going to be a time soon, when you're not going to think it's so cool to hang around your Dad, and you're going to prefer to visit places like this with your friends or cousins. Instead, you're going to be asking me to drop you off, and telling me that you'll call me when you're ready to be picked up. You might even ask me to duck down and drop you off around the corner." My daughter giggled in amusement and gave me a look of "Ok, Dad...Senility is hitting you early..."
My daughter is going to be 13 soon, and as predicted, Dad isn't quite as cool to be around as he used to be. She still hasn't handed me a Chauffeur's hat yet while I drive her around, but she definitely enjoys her alone time and she opts out of some of the things that I suggest we do together. She still laughs at my stories though and listens attentively when I teach her life lessons, and I am still convinced that she probably respects me more than any one else in the world. And while I loved and miss my role as her oldest playmate, I take most seriously my roles as perhaps her most influential teacher, and the primary male figure in her life. And hopefully, the many by whom all future men in her life will be measured, because they sure don't seem to make them like they used to. I'm sure that by now, she'd be better accustomed to the idea of there being a special woman in her Dad's life, although still, my daughter would be the priority.
Life is a cycle, and our roles, and sometimes the nature of our relationships, have to change somewhat. We hold our children tight when they are young, only to let loose our grip when they grow older. We look forward to the the day that they can walk, only to see them eventually walk away. But hopefully, the ties that we have with them, the connections that we've made and strengthened, are like a bungee cord, allowing them freedom to roam, but the with the prospect that when they reach their limits, they can always return.
But then, it hasn't always been that way. I can recall when my daughter was 5, and we were in the local supermarket, looking for the shortest checkout line while I pushed our cart full of groceries, and my daughter reached up and grabbed my arm, shaking it to get my attention, and was excitedly yelling "Dad! Dad!" I was hoping that she had spotted a very short line, but thought that with my luck she simply wanted to point out that I had toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe. And that it was used. But as it turned out, I was wrong on all counts. I then asked my daughter "What? What is it?" She then pointed towards an attractive female checker and excitedly shouted, "Look! Look!" (Now when you picture my daughter speaking as a five year old, you have to keep in mind that at the time, she had a speech delay, which made her sound like a 3 year old. It sometimes bothered her, but I thought she sounded adorable.) "Look at what?" I asked. "Look at that girl Dad!" "Well, what about her?" "She's PRETTY Dad!" I laughed and responded, "Well, yes, she is. But why are you telling me this?" She turned to me and said with a smile on her face and a tone in her voice that indicated that she was merely stating the obvious, and answered, "Because...You LIKE pretty girls, Dad!"
I was both shocked and relieved. Had I been that obvious in my attraction to women? For a brief moment, a slight paranoia struck me and I began to pat down my shirt to see if it was wet from drool, and to look around me to see if some supermarket worker had placed any of those yellow cones around me that said "wet floor/mojado", either indicating excessive drool on my part or questioning my right to be in this country. I had always considered myself discreet when casting an admiring eye on a woman, so I just figured that my daughter was quite perceptive. She probably figured that there must be some reason we were always getting extra tokens from the female workers at Chuck E. Cheese. And I was encouraged that she seemed to be accepting that her single Dad would be attracted to women, and what's more, seemed to be more than willing to point them out to me. Not only was that a relief for me, but it seemed to have nice possibilities.
Years before I had become a father, I had been somewhat of a father figure to my youngest sister, who is 16 years my junior. I bought her first bikes, taught her to ride them (and file the serial numbers off of the frames), took her to parks, the zoo, and to amusement parks, and taught her some of the things that kids need to learn in their first few years. And unfortunately for me on one occasion, one of those things was self-defense. One of the unexpected benefits of being such a good big brother and taking my kid sister almost everywhere with me, was that many women find it appealing when they see a man interacting well with a child and being an active participant in their life. And like some perceptive young men, I sometimes used it as an opportunity to strike up chats with attractive women that I encountered in public. One of those occasions was when my then-5 year old sister and I were waiting in a check out line at the local Sam's Club. I wasn't 20 seconds into a conversation with an attractive woman in the next line, when my kid sister decided to demonstrate on me the effectiveness of a straight right punch to the crotch of an unsuspecting male. As it turned out...it was quite effective. Effective in causing me to lose my air, buckle my knees, change color a couple of times, and in causing the attractive young woman to cringe in sympathy before proceeding through her check out line. And of course my sister stood there with a smile on her face, as if expecting to hear a "Thatta girl" from me and encouragement to pick the candy of her choice from near the checkout stand. As if I would be capable of any kind of speech for the next 20 minutes. I think the only voice she should've expected to hear was the one over the PA system requesting a "Clean up on check stand 4."
So, flashing back several years ahead, and with my hands instinctively shielding my crotch area, my daughter and I proceeded through our supermarket check out line, and I pondered the thought that my luck may have changed, and that I just might now have an effective wingman.
That excitement was very short lived however, because not too long after, while taking her back to her mom's house after one of our weekend visits, I had to make an urgent stop at a bathroom, because I had made the mistake of drinking way too much liquid before the nearly 2 hour drive. Just before I burst into the men's room at the local Wendy's Restaurant and my bladder burst on me, I made eye contact with a very attractive woman who was standing in line to place her food order, and we exchanged smiles. Being that I had my daughter with me, I don't think that I would've asked her for her number or anything, but the thought of another quick exchange of looks and flirtatious smiles would've been a nice way to stroke my ego, so I was hoping that I'd see her again after my quick visit to the bathroom. I did, and slightly sooner than expected. Although I was in the bathroom less than 2 minutes, to a 5 year old who's waiting in the hallway and has no concept of time, that seems like an eternity. So when I exited the bathroom, and Lo and behold, made eye contact with the attractive woman from earlier, who was now on her way to her own bathroom break, my daughter promptly blurted out, "Man, Dad! You took a long time!!!" As if in very painfully slow motion, the attractive woman's smile transitioned to a look of embarrassment (for me), and she then averted her eyes away from me and down toward the floor. Of course, my smile quickly left my own face as well, and the only one in the vicinity who seemed to manage to hold onto theirs, was of course, my daughter. In fact, I could've sworn her smile got wider...like a Cheshire Cat. But then again, that was probably just my paranoia kicking in. Probably.
But being the kind of person that tries to remain positive, and who gives people the benefit of the doubt, I chalked up the experience to mere coincidence and figured it might've been a fluke. But then a couple of months afterward, while innocently joking and chatting with the young lady working at the Burger King drive-thru, I turned toward the backseat to hand my daughter her kids' meal, and was met with a look that was both quite suspicious and cynical for a 5 year old. A look and a smirk that said, "Why don't you just quit your job so you could flirt full-time?" Sigh...I was beginning to think that the days of my daughter being my wingman were over before they even got started.
And I became positive that this was the case when after watching a Shakira music video, I turned and asked my daughter, who up until that moment was orchestrating a lively discussion between 2 Barbie dolls as to who would get to go with Ken and Scooby Doo to the movies, "How would you feel if your Dad decided to get married?' The way that my daughter dropped her Barbies (and her jaw dropped too) indicated that they were now probably headed to the Mattel Emergency room instead of the theater, and that she really didn't like the idea of her father having a female companion. I was joking of course, but she obviously didn't find anything funny in what I had said. And I was a little surprised at such a reaction. I then half expected to later find her cutting letters out of a magazine to paste them on a piece of paper, spelling out subtle threats to be mailed to Shakira. Of course, she probably receives plenty of letters warning, "Stay away from my Dad!" And probably mailed by their mothers...
And on another occasion, while my daughter was again playing with her Barbies on the floor of my bedroom, and Shakira was again letting people know that her "Hips don't lie", I jokingly made the remark to my daughter, "Look at your future step-mom, dancing on tv." My daughter then turned towards the tv, and stared for a while before turning back towards me. I don't know what she was thinking while she was staring at the Colombian beauty dancing, although something to the effect of "That tramp?!" probably wouldn't have been out of the question. My daughter then turned her look towards me and sat there without a word before turning her attention back to her Barbies. I realized that "Daddy's Girl" in her mind, meant that there really wasn't any room for others. At least not any time soon. So I sat down with her and assured her that I was only joking with my remark, and that she would always be Daddy's number one girl, no matter what. And we both then decided together that it would be a good idea for Barbie to put on her Mariachi hat and sunglasses before jumping into her jeep to drive herself and her friends to the beach.
And it's always been that way, with my daughter being my number one girl, and everything in my life, whether it be work, dating, or whatever, being secondary to, and revolving around my time with her. And that's how it should be. A few years later, when my daughter was 10, and we were sitting on top of the Ferris wheel at Knott's Scary farm, admiring the night lights, I mentioned to her that this might be the last time we do this together. She laughed, as if I were joking, and asked, "Why?" To which I responded, "Because even though you don't understand this right now, there's going to be a time soon, when you're not going to think it's so cool to hang around your Dad, and you're going to prefer to visit places like this with your friends or cousins. Instead, you're going to be asking me to drop you off, and telling me that you'll call me when you're ready to be picked up. You might even ask me to duck down and drop you off around the corner." My daughter giggled in amusement and gave me a look of "Ok, Dad...Senility is hitting you early..."
My daughter is going to be 13 soon, and as predicted, Dad isn't quite as cool to be around as he used to be. She still hasn't handed me a Chauffeur's hat yet while I drive her around, but she definitely enjoys her alone time and she opts out of some of the things that I suggest we do together. She still laughs at my stories though and listens attentively when I teach her life lessons, and I am still convinced that she probably respects me more than any one else in the world. And while I loved and miss my role as her oldest playmate, I take most seriously my roles as perhaps her most influential teacher, and the primary male figure in her life. And hopefully, the many by whom all future men in her life will be measured, because they sure don't seem to make them like they used to. I'm sure that by now, she'd be better accustomed to the idea of there being a special woman in her Dad's life, although still, my daughter would be the priority.
Life is a cycle, and our roles, and sometimes the nature of our relationships, have to change somewhat. We hold our children tight when they are young, only to let loose our grip when they grow older. We look forward to the the day that they can walk, only to see them eventually walk away. But hopefully, the ties that we have with them, the connections that we've made and strengthened, are like a bungee cord, allowing them freedom to roam, but the with the prospect that when they reach their limits, they can always return.
Friday, April 13, 2012
In the Spirit of things
It's always interesting to see the various reactions that people will have when you mention playing with a Ouija board. Some will consider it harmless fun, while others will nearly pee themselves at the very idea, and still others yet, may try to pee on YOU, but are still intrigued with the idea that they may possibly be able to contact spirits of the dead. Myself, I've only played with it a few times (we're still talking about the Ouija board here), and my first experience was when I was 12.
It was on a Saturday night, and I was going to spend the night at my best friend Ronnie's house, as was another of our friends, Gilbert. We got called in from the park that was across the street, where we had been hanging out. I really didn't want to go, because in the park there were two chicks making out, and it was the first time I had ever seen chicks making out in person. Of course it could've been the 100th time I had seen that, and I probably still wouldn't have wanted to leave. But we all went inside my friend's house, where his parents were, as well as some of his relatives who were visiting. Soon, Ronnie's mom suggested that we play with a Ouija board. I had seen one in the movie "The Exorcist", but I had never seen one in real life, let alone played with one. I said to my friend, "Whoa! Is your mom serious?!" To which he nervously responded, "Yeah..."
So Ronnie's mom brought out the Ouija board and explained how it was used, saying that a spirit would answer any questions we might ask. I was both curious and a little unnerved at the same time. Would it really work? Would we really be in contact with the dead, or an evil spirit? Would everyone find out that "I" was the one who overflowed the toilet?
A few different people tried playing the game, and after various questions and "answers", she then asked if the "Spirit" could give us a sign to prove it was real. The spirit answered that it would and that we'd see the sign within the next 30 minutes. I was a little nervous but still not completely convinced of anything. Ronnie's mom then began to tell us stories of the supernatural, that she said she or her friends had experienced. Then, after about 25 minutes, the lights began to flicker off and on in the kitchen! Now I was starting to get a little freaked! But that was just the beginning. Ronnie's mom then convinced someone else to play the game with her, and she began asking questions like: "Are the boys going to see anything in the room (the bedroom where we'd be sleeping) tonight?" I looked at Ronnie and asked, "What's your mom doing asking a question like that?" With a sad look on his face, he just shrugged his shoulders. Then she asked "Is something bad going to happen to the boys tonight?" "Man! What's your mom's freaking problem?!" "Ouija, will it happen before 5 a.m?" "What's with your mom?! I swear, I've never hit a woman before, but..." My friends and I were all really starting to freak now!
After a while, since it was late, and the adults intended to keep partying, we were told to go to sleep. We kept stalling and making excuses not to go to sleep. Then we began to ask if we could sleep in the living room, reasoning that since "Ouija" said that we would see something in the bedroom, maybe we could somehow cheat our fate. Our request was flatly refused, and told that we had to sleep in the bedroom. Like "Dead Men Walking", we began to file into the room, dragging our feet. As we were preparing for sleep, Ronnie's mom then entered the room and began to move the iron, as well as all heavy and metal objects, saying "In case stuff starts flying around..." Now we really came close to crapping our pants!
The lights went out, and we made a pact, promising that if something happened while some of us were still asleep, we'd leave no man behind. And of course, our imaginations soon got the best of us, and when combined with our fear, caused us to imagine that we saw all kinds of stuff in the darkness outside, like severed heads in the tree branches, mysterious shadows, and so forth. There were four of us, including Ronnie, his brother Jerry, our friend Gilbert, and myself. We continued talking about our fears, and then Ronnie said, "Don't worry guys, my Dad's in the living room." To which Gilbert wisely pointed out, "What's your Dad going to do?! Beat up the Devil?!"
While that might've made an interesting pay-per-view fight, it didn't happen. We all eventually fell asleep, although we thought that it might be for the last time. I have always been an early riser, and when I was the first to awake, I immediately looked at the clock. 5:05! It was 5:05! 5 minutes passed the designated time for our doom! We were safe! I was so grateful to be unharmed that I wanted to kiss somebody! Of course, being in a room full of guys, that would've been really awkward. And all I could hope was the clock was not running fast...
You think I would've learned from that first experience, but that wasn't the case. 2 years later, Jerry, Ronnie, and I, were playing with the Ouija board again, and this time in the bedroom. To set the mood, we lit a candle, then turned off the lights...and then we began to explore each other's young bodies...Haha, just kidding! Seriously, I was only kidding.
Anyway, the lights went out and we began to ask Ouija some questions. Nothing dramatic happened with that, and after we had finished playing the game, it was late, and we were sitting around tired, seemingly out of conversation. I then looked up and saw Jerry's face, which was pale as a ghost, and his eyes were wide open in stark terror! He was sitting directly across from me, and as I had my back to the window, he was the only one who had been facing the window. As Ronnie and I turned in the direction of the window, to see what Jerry was looking at, we saw the dark shadow of a face in the window! We shouted out as we jumped to our feet! We opened the bedroom door, yelling, and running into the hallway and towards the front door. I was fumbling with the door knob, and Ronnie ran up, with a butter knife in his hand and asked, "What's your problem?! Why can't you open the door?!" "Open the door?! I'm trying to freakin' lock it! And what are you doing with the butter knife?! Are you going to make him a sandwich?!" We finally managed to open the door, and after looking around outside in bewilderment for several seconds, and seeing no one or nothing around, noticed... that someone had toilet papered the house! And I doubt that they were spirits of the dead.
It was on a Saturday night, and I was going to spend the night at my best friend Ronnie's house, as was another of our friends, Gilbert. We got called in from the park that was across the street, where we had been hanging out. I really didn't want to go, because in the park there were two chicks making out, and it was the first time I had ever seen chicks making out in person. Of course it could've been the 100th time I had seen that, and I probably still wouldn't have wanted to leave. But we all went inside my friend's house, where his parents were, as well as some of his relatives who were visiting. Soon, Ronnie's mom suggested that we play with a Ouija board. I had seen one in the movie "The Exorcist", but I had never seen one in real life, let alone played with one. I said to my friend, "Whoa! Is your mom serious?!" To which he nervously responded, "Yeah..."
So Ronnie's mom brought out the Ouija board and explained how it was used, saying that a spirit would answer any questions we might ask. I was both curious and a little unnerved at the same time. Would it really work? Would we really be in contact with the dead, or an evil spirit? Would everyone find out that "I" was the one who overflowed the toilet?
A few different people tried playing the game, and after various questions and "answers", she then asked if the "Spirit" could give us a sign to prove it was real. The spirit answered that it would and that we'd see the sign within the next 30 minutes. I was a little nervous but still not completely convinced of anything. Ronnie's mom then began to tell us stories of the supernatural, that she said she or her friends had experienced. Then, after about 25 minutes, the lights began to flicker off and on in the kitchen! Now I was starting to get a little freaked! But that was just the beginning. Ronnie's mom then convinced someone else to play the game with her, and she began asking questions like: "Are the boys going to see anything in the room (the bedroom where we'd be sleeping) tonight?" I looked at Ronnie and asked, "What's your mom doing asking a question like that?" With a sad look on his face, he just shrugged his shoulders. Then she asked "Is something bad going to happen to the boys tonight?" "Man! What's your mom's freaking problem?!" "Ouija, will it happen before 5 a.m?" "What's with your mom?! I swear, I've never hit a woman before, but..." My friends and I were all really starting to freak now!
After a while, since it was late, and the adults intended to keep partying, we were told to go to sleep. We kept stalling and making excuses not to go to sleep. Then we began to ask if we could sleep in the living room, reasoning that since "Ouija" said that we would see something in the bedroom, maybe we could somehow cheat our fate. Our request was flatly refused, and told that we had to sleep in the bedroom. Like "Dead Men Walking", we began to file into the room, dragging our feet. As we were preparing for sleep, Ronnie's mom then entered the room and began to move the iron, as well as all heavy and metal objects, saying "In case stuff starts flying around..." Now we really came close to crapping our pants!
The lights went out, and we made a pact, promising that if something happened while some of us were still asleep, we'd leave no man behind. And of course, our imaginations soon got the best of us, and when combined with our fear, caused us to imagine that we saw all kinds of stuff in the darkness outside, like severed heads in the tree branches, mysterious shadows, and so forth. There were four of us, including Ronnie, his brother Jerry, our friend Gilbert, and myself. We continued talking about our fears, and then Ronnie said, "Don't worry guys, my Dad's in the living room." To which Gilbert wisely pointed out, "What's your Dad going to do?! Beat up the Devil?!"
While that might've made an interesting pay-per-view fight, it didn't happen. We all eventually fell asleep, although we thought that it might be for the last time. I have always been an early riser, and when I was the first to awake, I immediately looked at the clock. 5:05! It was 5:05! 5 minutes passed the designated time for our doom! We were safe! I was so grateful to be unharmed that I wanted to kiss somebody! Of course, being in a room full of guys, that would've been really awkward. And all I could hope was the clock was not running fast...
You think I would've learned from that first experience, but that wasn't the case. 2 years later, Jerry, Ronnie, and I, were playing with the Ouija board again, and this time in the bedroom. To set the mood, we lit a candle, then turned off the lights...and then we began to explore each other's young bodies...Haha, just kidding! Seriously, I was only kidding.
Anyway, the lights went out and we began to ask Ouija some questions. Nothing dramatic happened with that, and after we had finished playing the game, it was late, and we were sitting around tired, seemingly out of conversation. I then looked up and saw Jerry's face, which was pale as a ghost, and his eyes were wide open in stark terror! He was sitting directly across from me, and as I had my back to the window, he was the only one who had been facing the window. As Ronnie and I turned in the direction of the window, to see what Jerry was looking at, we saw the dark shadow of a face in the window! We shouted out as we jumped to our feet! We opened the bedroom door, yelling, and running into the hallway and towards the front door. I was fumbling with the door knob, and Ronnie ran up, with a butter knife in his hand and asked, "What's your problem?! Why can't you open the door?!" "Open the door?! I'm trying to freakin' lock it! And what are you doing with the butter knife?! Are you going to make him a sandwich?!" We finally managed to open the door, and after looking around outside in bewilderment for several seconds, and seeing no one or nothing around, noticed... that someone had toilet papered the house! And I doubt that they were spirits of the dead.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
FIRST KISS
A Kiss. What tremendous power it can wield. It can stop time, causing the outside world to stand still, and can shut out the sound of every noise, not just from the world outside that joining of the lips, but the internal noise that often occupies our minds as well. It can be an opiate, a magic carpet ride, transporting us from the cares and concerns of the world. And perhaps no kiss makes as much of an impression on our memories as that of our first kiss. It may not necessarily be our best kiss, and if may not be with the love of our lives, but it is the one that we remember the most. The memory of it transports us to not only the moment of the actual kiss, but to a place in our personal history, that includes the music, the fashion, the friendships, activities and our surroundings of that time. The memory of that kiss instantly conjures up a tidal wave of thoughts and feelings of what it was like to "be" at that time.
My best friend Ronnie (not my partner in the kiss) and I were 13 years old, and walking through the West Covina Fashion Plaza on an Autumn Saturday afternoon, when we spotted 2 girls our age standing about 60 feet from us. One of the girls was quite attractive, wearing an all-white outfit which contrasted nicely against her long dark hair. I didn't have to think on it long before suggesting to Ronnie that we go talk to the girls. He was all for meeting the girls, but with one catch: He wanted me to approach the girls by myself, start chatting them up, and after putting in a good word for him, wave him over. I rolled my eyes. I never got that about him. He was voted "biggest flirt" in our school yearbook, and he never had a problem talking with the girls at school. But I guess that was his comfort zone, because when it came to approaching new girls in public, he always got shy. Then again, that often worked in my favor. Although at first, it didn't seem like that was going to be the case in this situation.
But I agreed to approach the girls on my own, and after laying the groundwork, I would call him over. Only there was another problem. We both wanted to pair up with the girl in All-White, who's name we would later learn was Tammy. So we were arguing back and forth as to who was going to pair up with Tammy (As if she had no say in the matter). When I realized that the girls would probably be long gone if things between Ronnie and I progressed to the point of us tumbling down the escalator and crashing through the display window of Payless Shoe Store, so I came up with a solution: We'd flip a coin. Only the mind of a 13 year old boy could come up with such a brilliant solution. I envisioned for myself a bright future as an International Diplomat and problem solver, with me being given a ticket tape parade, being invited to the Playboy Mansion, and the image of a spinning newspaper coming to a sudden stop, with the headlines reading, "Ambassador from El Monte brings peace to the Middle East." Being that Tammy was from Baldwin Park and I was from El Monte, Peace in the Middle East probably would've been easier than bringing peace between our two cities.
So we flipped a coin, with each of us agreeing that the winner would be the one who got to talk to Tammy. We flipped... I lost. Ronnie was beaming, and I was scowling, but I began my trek over to where the girls were (remarkably) still standing. But somehow, in the 10 seconds that it took for me to reach them, I totally forgot about the coin flip. And as I flashed my big Rico Suave smile, I turned to Tammy's friend, and I pointed to where Ronnie was standing and said: "Hey! My friend over there, the one who's pretending that he doesn't know I walked over here to talk to you, well, he thinks you're cute and wants to meet you!"
Well it goes without saying, that Ronnie's smile turned upside down, and he was a little disappointed with the turn of events. But sometimes, that's just how it turns out when you're content to only being the wingman. Fortunately, Tammy and I both felt we lucked out. After that first meeting, we exchanged phone numbers, and then very long phone conversations, and then decided that we wanted to start dating.
Later, after Tammy and I had been dating a while, I told her about the coin flip. To my surprise (remember, I was a 13 year old boy), she didn't see the humor in it. "You flipped a coin for me?! Are you serious?! You mean the only reason we're together is because you flipped a coin?!"
"Nooooo... Baby... You don't understand. We flipped the coin... BUT I CHEATED!" I guess some girls just have a hard time understanding how romantic a teen aged boy can be...
So it was a week later after we first met, on yet another Saturday afternoon, that I took the bus to Baldwin Park to meet up with Tammy. We agreed to meet at a shopping center which was both near the bus stop, and across the street from Morgan Park. I called her from a payphone (remember that we had those before cell phones?) when I arrived at the shopping center, and she told me that she and her friend Lorraine would meet me there in about 30 minutes. After a while, I got kind of nervous. Not about meeting her, and not because I thought she might not show, but because without my glasses, I couldn't see so well from a distance. I was a little worried that I might see girls in the distance, wave them over, and that they'd be the wrong ones. The last thing that I wanted was for Tammy and her friend to show up, and to see me talking to other girls! So when Tammy and Lorraine did show up, they stood across the street, in front of the park. They kept looking my way, and I kept looking in their direction, wondering if it was them. I'm sure that they were wondering why I didn't walk over to them, and with my not being sure whether or not they were who I was waiting for, I stood my ground, unwilling to commit. It must of looked like two gunfighters from the Old West, standing in the middle of the street, each waiting for the other to make a move. I could almost swear I heard the whistling theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" playing in the background, and looked out of the corner of my eye in case I had to suddenly dodge any errant tumbleweeds.
Finally, after what must have seemed like forever, Tammy and Lorraine then crossed the street to where I was. "Why didn't you cross the street to where we were?" Being too embarrassed to tell the truth, I said the first thing that came to mind. "Oh... Well, I always make the girls come to me." Yeah...that was much better. And like you, I'm also starting to wonder if I'd get that kiss.
So we all crossed back across the street, and sat down at a bench at the park and began talking. After a while, it was about to get dark, and Lorraine asked us if we'd walk her home, so we got up and left the park. After walking Lorraine home, Tammy and I then walked in the dark to the Jr. High School that she attended in Baldwin Park. Although Lorraine was cute and fun to talk to, I was definitely glad that Tammy and I were now alone. We sat down next to each other on a bench that was under a covered patio on the school grounds. We were silent for a minute, and then we started talking. Tammy pointed in the direction of a white house across the street, and said "That's a whore house." My eyes grew just a little bit wide, and I asked "What?! Why do you say that?" She replied: "Because all of the girls who live there are sluts!" I kept looking in the direction of that house for a minute, until Tammy asked, with what sounded like a small hint of irritation in her voice, "Why are you still looking over there?" I said, "Oh, I was just trying to memorize the address."
Even though I was just being a bit of a smart-ass, (A name I was quite surprised at age 18 to find was NOT part of the birth name recorded on my birth certificate) Tammy definitely didn't appreciate the remark, and she quickly turned her face away from me. She had her head down a little bit, with her hair hanging down on both sides of her face, and she looked sad. I said, "Hey...look at me." But she kept her head down. I felt bad, because I really liked her, and I had made her feel sad with my stupid joke. She was sitting to the right of me, in her blue-grey sweater, and her grey corduroy pants. And I put my right arm around her shoulders, and with the index and middle fingers of my left hand, I reached across and lifted her chin while turning her face in my direction. Damn, she was beautiful. I said, "I'm sorry. I was only joking. I only like YOU." I then leaned in and kissed her. It was my first real kiss. It was slightly sloppy because it was my first time, but it was great nonetheless. We sat kissing in the dark for a long time, and then my left hand started to wander, and it began to caress her right breast. She murmured "Uhn, uhn", as if to say "no", and I responded back "Uhm, hmm."
Now, in spite of my being a hormonally charged 13 year old, when I murmured "Uhm, hmm," what I was trying to express was "OK, I'll stop." But she thought that I meant "Yeah, we're going to do this." That was an easy misunderstanding, especially since my hand had lingered for an extra second before it moved away. So she again murmured "Uhn, uhn" just as my hand had moved away. As great as the groping felt, part of the reason that I did it was because I felt that I was supposed to. This was my first real kiss, and I didn't quite realize that 2nd base was a lot for many 13 year old girls back then, especially on the first "date". We continued kissing, and she later walked me to my bus stop at the end of our visit.
Instead of going home after I got off of the bus in El Monte, I went instead to the home of my best friend Ronnie, where I would spend the night. I called Tammy on the phone to let her know that I had gotten home ok, and then I apologized for my groping and explained what it was I was trying to say by mumbling " Uhm, hmm." I told her that I really liked her, and although I enjoyed the touching, that I didn't want to do anything that she was uncomfortable with. She thanked me, and for the rest of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I kept my hands to myself, but my lips I continued to share.
"A Kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years." - Rupert Brooke
THPEUDDQMVR
My best friend Ronnie (not my partner in the kiss) and I were 13 years old, and walking through the West Covina Fashion Plaza on an Autumn Saturday afternoon, when we spotted 2 girls our age standing about 60 feet from us. One of the girls was quite attractive, wearing an all-white outfit which contrasted nicely against her long dark hair. I didn't have to think on it long before suggesting to Ronnie that we go talk to the girls. He was all for meeting the girls, but with one catch: He wanted me to approach the girls by myself, start chatting them up, and after putting in a good word for him, wave him over. I rolled my eyes. I never got that about him. He was voted "biggest flirt" in our school yearbook, and he never had a problem talking with the girls at school. But I guess that was his comfort zone, because when it came to approaching new girls in public, he always got shy. Then again, that often worked in my favor. Although at first, it didn't seem like that was going to be the case in this situation.
But I agreed to approach the girls on my own, and after laying the groundwork, I would call him over. Only there was another problem. We both wanted to pair up with the girl in All-White, who's name we would later learn was Tammy. So we were arguing back and forth as to who was going to pair up with Tammy (As if she had no say in the matter). When I realized that the girls would probably be long gone if things between Ronnie and I progressed to the point of us tumbling down the escalator and crashing through the display window of Payless Shoe Store, so I came up with a solution: We'd flip a coin. Only the mind of a 13 year old boy could come up with such a brilliant solution. I envisioned for myself a bright future as an International Diplomat and problem solver, with me being given a ticket tape parade, being invited to the Playboy Mansion, and the image of a spinning newspaper coming to a sudden stop, with the headlines reading, "Ambassador from El Monte brings peace to the Middle East." Being that Tammy was from Baldwin Park and I was from El Monte, Peace in the Middle East probably would've been easier than bringing peace between our two cities.
So we flipped a coin, with each of us agreeing that the winner would be the one who got to talk to Tammy. We flipped... I lost. Ronnie was beaming, and I was scowling, but I began my trek over to where the girls were (remarkably) still standing. But somehow, in the 10 seconds that it took for me to reach them, I totally forgot about the coin flip. And as I flashed my big Rico Suave smile, I turned to Tammy's friend, and I pointed to where Ronnie was standing and said: "Hey! My friend over there, the one who's pretending that he doesn't know I walked over here to talk to you, well, he thinks you're cute and wants to meet you!"
Well it goes without saying, that Ronnie's smile turned upside down, and he was a little disappointed with the turn of events. But sometimes, that's just how it turns out when you're content to only being the wingman. Fortunately, Tammy and I both felt we lucked out. After that first meeting, we exchanged phone numbers, and then very long phone conversations, and then decided that we wanted to start dating.
Later, after Tammy and I had been dating a while, I told her about the coin flip. To my surprise (remember, I was a 13 year old boy), she didn't see the humor in it. "You flipped a coin for me?! Are you serious?! You mean the only reason we're together is because you flipped a coin?!"
"Nooooo... Baby... You don't understand. We flipped the coin... BUT I CHEATED!" I guess some girls just have a hard time understanding how romantic a teen aged boy can be...
So it was a week later after we first met, on yet another Saturday afternoon, that I took the bus to Baldwin Park to meet up with Tammy. We agreed to meet at a shopping center which was both near the bus stop, and across the street from Morgan Park. I called her from a payphone (remember that we had those before cell phones?) when I arrived at the shopping center, and she told me that she and her friend Lorraine would meet me there in about 30 minutes. After a while, I got kind of nervous. Not about meeting her, and not because I thought she might not show, but because without my glasses, I couldn't see so well from a distance. I was a little worried that I might see girls in the distance, wave them over, and that they'd be the wrong ones. The last thing that I wanted was for Tammy and her friend to show up, and to see me talking to other girls! So when Tammy and Lorraine did show up, they stood across the street, in front of the park. They kept looking my way, and I kept looking in their direction, wondering if it was them. I'm sure that they were wondering why I didn't walk over to them, and with my not being sure whether or not they were who I was waiting for, I stood my ground, unwilling to commit. It must of looked like two gunfighters from the Old West, standing in the middle of the street, each waiting for the other to make a move. I could almost swear I heard the whistling theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" playing in the background, and looked out of the corner of my eye in case I had to suddenly dodge any errant tumbleweeds.
Finally, after what must have seemed like forever, Tammy and Lorraine then crossed the street to where I was. "Why didn't you cross the street to where we were?" Being too embarrassed to tell the truth, I said the first thing that came to mind. "Oh... Well, I always make the girls come to me." Yeah...that was much better. And like you, I'm also starting to wonder if I'd get that kiss.
So we all crossed back across the street, and sat down at a bench at the park and began talking. After a while, it was about to get dark, and Lorraine asked us if we'd walk her home, so we got up and left the park. After walking Lorraine home, Tammy and I then walked in the dark to the Jr. High School that she attended in Baldwin Park. Although Lorraine was cute and fun to talk to, I was definitely glad that Tammy and I were now alone. We sat down next to each other on a bench that was under a covered patio on the school grounds. We were silent for a minute, and then we started talking. Tammy pointed in the direction of a white house across the street, and said "That's a whore house." My eyes grew just a little bit wide, and I asked "What?! Why do you say that?" She replied: "Because all of the girls who live there are sluts!" I kept looking in the direction of that house for a minute, until Tammy asked, with what sounded like a small hint of irritation in her voice, "Why are you still looking over there?" I said, "Oh, I was just trying to memorize the address."
Even though I was just being a bit of a smart-ass, (A name I was quite surprised at age 18 to find was NOT part of the birth name recorded on my birth certificate) Tammy definitely didn't appreciate the remark, and she quickly turned her face away from me. She had her head down a little bit, with her hair hanging down on both sides of her face, and she looked sad. I said, "Hey...look at me." But she kept her head down. I felt bad, because I really liked her, and I had made her feel sad with my stupid joke. She was sitting to the right of me, in her blue-grey sweater, and her grey corduroy pants. And I put my right arm around her shoulders, and with the index and middle fingers of my left hand, I reached across and lifted her chin while turning her face in my direction. Damn, she was beautiful. I said, "I'm sorry. I was only joking. I only like YOU." I then leaned in and kissed her. It was my first real kiss. It was slightly sloppy because it was my first time, but it was great nonetheless. We sat kissing in the dark for a long time, and then my left hand started to wander, and it began to caress her right breast. She murmured "Uhn, uhn", as if to say "no", and I responded back "Uhm, hmm."
Now, in spite of my being a hormonally charged 13 year old, when I murmured "Uhm, hmm," what I was trying to express was "OK, I'll stop." But she thought that I meant "Yeah, we're going to do this." That was an easy misunderstanding, especially since my hand had lingered for an extra second before it moved away. So she again murmured "Uhn, uhn" just as my hand had moved away. As great as the groping felt, part of the reason that I did it was because I felt that I was supposed to. This was my first real kiss, and I didn't quite realize that 2nd base was a lot for many 13 year old girls back then, especially on the first "date". We continued kissing, and she later walked me to my bus stop at the end of our visit.
Instead of going home after I got off of the bus in El Monte, I went instead to the home of my best friend Ronnie, where I would spend the night. I called Tammy on the phone to let her know that I had gotten home ok, and then I apologized for my groping and explained what it was I was trying to say by mumbling " Uhm, hmm." I told her that I really liked her, and although I enjoyed the touching, that I didn't want to do anything that she was uncomfortable with. She thanked me, and for the rest of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I kept my hands to myself, but my lips I continued to share.
"A Kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years." - Rupert Brooke
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